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I just watched Blades of Glory. In light of watching a funny and easily digestible film as well as watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels I thought I'd revert back to being a 13-year old girl and pay tribute to some dudes that I think are hot. Be forewarned, you may be grossed out by a few of my choices but I can't help it. It also doesn't take that long to figure out a pattern here. What can I say I'm predictable.

Speaking of Blades of Glory. I thought Will Ferrell was hot in it. Yes it's true. It's the attitude. And the hair. Next up, while I've been watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels, Gene is fine, whatever. He's cool but not my type. but Nick, my god. I think he might be an overgrown 14 year old. I have no idea how old he is but he's hot. He's also seemingly level-headed and clever. Always the smartass. Wish I could find a bigger better picture but this will have to do.
Of course, no big surprise here. Jason Lewis. Ever since Sex and the City I have considered him the best looking man I have ever seen in my life. I still think this. I used to rewind parts with him in it and then get mad that Samantha was in the sex scenes. His attitude, everything, was the perfect man. I even remember him being a model for Tommy ads in my Teen Magazine when I was younger. I'm totally jealous/happy for him and Rosario Dawson. She is gorgeous, kicks some major ass (Grindhouse, Sin City) and you can tell she's much cooler than me. I'll let her have that one. Jason "Sex and the City era" to the right. - without Rosario...................
Jason Now - with Rosario. um yeah, adorable.












Okay now this is a little gross. I thought Bill Moseley was hot as a member of the family in House of a Thousand Corpses. Yes, the guy who kills a ton of people, strangles cheerleaders, whatever else he does. Not as much in Devil's' Rejects but he was wearing a cowboy shirt and all that killing is pretty hot. I swear I'm not sick.
And Christian from The Figurines. Yep, a hot Danish rooster:

I'll have more on this tip soon but will leave you with two things I also like:

L-Lo:















and Boston BeerWorks - I love you Blueberry beer!












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Update: Lewis and Rosario broke up, apparently months ago. I can't believe he would let someone amazing like Rosario go. Rumor has it she had some difficulty dealing with the fact that women were pawing at him all the time. Apparently he couldn't seem to control himself as he was having dinner with some lame actress chick that's more than a decade younger than him. Nice job douchebag. If all of this is supposedly true you just dropped heavily on the scale. I'll just crush on Rosario now.

Dry Foods

Why do foods have to be so dry that I choke on them? They hurt my throat and make me angry.

Thank you.

Extreme Vom-o-torium

I'm sick of feeling nauseous lately. I get these waves that come over me and I feel like I'm going to black out or throw up only I can't because I have work to do or I'm not in a place where I can lay down. I've been getting these waves more and more lately and yes I know I have to go to yet another doctor. The last one I went to couldn't find anything wrong with me and told me I was going to die if I continued to take birth control. I feel like he might be right. I feel so much better when I'm not taking the pill. I have started taking a new one and I believe these symptoms have worsened since I've taken these pills. I hate them. I hate that this is my only real option to not have to deal with what I talked about in my first blog. I hate going to a doctor when you feel like shit and by the time you actually see the quack your pain has subsided, you piss in a cup, and they dismiss you. After you give them money of course. For what? Is there no way to give me a thorough scan of every organ? Without it costing me an arm and a leg? Can't you just tell me what's wrong with me and give me something, some kind of magic goat yogurt or something to make it all go away? While you're at it doc, you should just go ahead and predict the future for me as well. Let me know if I'm going to end up with a deadbeat husband, have a newt-eyed elf baby, or gain 200 pounds in my left saggy ass cheek. Then cut me a prescription to correct the problem. What is health insurance for if not to fix all of that shit? And thanks by the way gyno jerks for making me wait two weeks from that dreaded phone call to figure out if I have a cancerbaby alien chomping away at my cervix. I'd really appreciate if you could just go ahead and schedule this 'routine procedure' riiight around the time I get my goddamn monthly visit from Flo-jo. Oh wait, you already did that. Awesome, now I can wait two more wholesome carefree weeks of life to find out if I'm going to die tomorrow. you people are awesome. God why do chicks have to go through this shit too?

Fucking hypochondriacs. Will it never end for us?

You Have Bad Taste in Movies

There's nothing worse than going to a movie and, based on the previews, realizing that the movie thinks your an idiot. Like "Oooo since you are watching this romantic comedy, we bet you would like Wild Hogs, starring John Travolta and Tim Allen!" Now I know that Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore tend to play the same characters in every movie they star in, but I really did think that maybe, just maybe, that this movie would be different. Ok, maybe not different, but at least somewhat enjoyable. But no no no, from the get-go, the previews are laughing in my face saying "ahaha! if you'll pay $10 dollars for this b.s., I bet we could convince you that the new Adam Brody movie looks amazing! You are so stupid, movie-goer!" And the thing is, they're right. I DID pay $10 to watch Drew Barrymore be the cutsie charming girl and Hugh Grant be the smarmy british guy. Ugh. I hate myself sometimes.

This weekend I had a dream that I was using a public bathroom and some bitch decided to pour chocolate pudding on me over the stall door. Tons of chocolate pudding. I came out and was try to wipe my eyes and mouth so I could breathe and see, but I was like swamp thing. Except the swamp was made of pudding. I don't even like pudding. Or jello for that matter. I think my ill feelings for jello were caused by my 1st grade surgery. It's the only time I've ever had to go to the hospital, ever. I had an appendicitis. I could only eat jello and broth for the whole time. Sometimes the nurse would ask what my favorite food was and I'd tell them "pizza" and they would say things like "well pretend like your iv is pizza" or "i'm sure your mom will buy you pizza when you get out of the hospital." Shut up stupid nurses, I'm hungry.

I was stuck there for days staring at a Tv and throwing up on myself and accepting gifts from strangers that went to my church. And then one time an old lady came into my room wearing her hospital gown and I saw her naked old lady ass. And I watched Splash with my mom.

But anyway, jello makes me want to puke and I don't know why my dreams are so weird.

I Am Seriously Black

i've just discovered. that making the background on your blog BLACK makes it look like a more serious blog. well i assure you we are very serious here.

Things I Hate This Week

1. Standard Poodles: I passed by one of these on the train the other day and I had to stop myself from pulling the emergency brake, ripping open the door with my bloodied fingers and slapping the prancing mammoth-dog in the face. Don't get me wrong. I looove dogs. So much so that it's annoying. When I see a dog, I usually squeal "heeeey puppy" and pray the the cute thing will look at me and wag its tail with joy (this does not apply to Corgies (stumpy short legs) or Greyhounds (they're nearly 2 dimensional.. creeepy.) But why does the giganta-dog get the name STANDARD?? When you think of a poodle, you think of a little shaking thing that fits under your arm and is able to dance on it's hind legs in a tutu. I think the Standard Poodle should be renamed Elephantitas Poodle, or Freak Poodle. Or OMG GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME Poodle. Who likes them? I mean, really.

2. Bruises: Actually, I sorta like bruises, cause they make me look like I've been running around barefoot and climbing trees. They make me look so carefree that I could not possibly give a damn about whether I banged my leg or not. The problem is is that it's February. I wasn't out climbing trees. I wasn't running barefoot or pulling myself back onto a dock after jumping in the lake. No no no, the giant bruises that have taken over my knees are a constant reminder that on Saturday, sometime after my 8,000th whiskey, and somewhere in between Junior Senior and USE, my converse gave out on the Great Scott dance floor and I found myself sprawled on the floor. How did this happen? Not sure! But even if it wasn't like -10 degrees out I'd still have to wear tights cause I look like a battered woman. I look I've spent too much time on my knees. So I look like a beat-up ho. An exceptional Halloween costume, but not so much in real life.

3. Internet sarcasm. Specifically you not getting mine, and me, not getting yours. Terrible terrible thing.

4. NOT HAVING A #4 or a #5!!! AGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHG

Flip This Bitch! (Updated)

Since it's post-Valentine's Day and I don't have to be nice anymore, I've got some hot tips for anyone hoping to keep a guy or girl in their lives.

1. Give people their space. Yes. I know. Romance. It will not last. Give people their space and you'll enjoy the fact that you can still be your own person while also being part of a super cute couple. Word.

2. Dudes, do NOT cry in front of your ladies. Not even if your sports team loses. You would think that would be the slightest of exceptions but no. Okay maybe if a close family member dies, but NOT your cat. Maybe if you were cheated on and that person just told you. Yes go ahead and cry those baby tears. but NOT your cat. And please god forbid don't ever cry because people aren't paying attention to you. This goes for both ladies and men, though ladies have the edge because they have boobs and guys can just say we're nuts anyway (mostly and sometimes true). Guys have no excuse though. Sorry.
I'm sad that Fluffy died yes but I've been through seven or eight cats and yes I miss them but they will be waiting for me in heaven and I can be a crazy cat lady for eternity. GLORIOUS. I had a boyfriend, no make that TWO boyfriends that called me crying becuase their cat died. No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ARE YOU GETTING THIS YET? NO CATS NO CRYING. I HATE YOUR CAT. LOOK HOW STUPID IT LOOKS. STUPID CAT! -----------------> DARTH KILL CAT. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I mean....YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Pussy.

Anyway. Onto step 3. I'm tired. To be continued...

PS. I just tried a delicious SEMLA for Lent from SVENSKA. TAKK LOUISE!
After I eat everyone's stupid cats I will have another one of these decliosities from FIKA in Midwtown. MMMMMMMMMarzipan! PSS Fun Fact: King Adolf Frederick of Sweden died of digestion problems on February 12, 1771 after consuming a meal consisting of lobster, caviar, sour cabbage, smoked herring and champagne, which was topped off by 14 servings of his favourite dessert: a semla served in a bowl of hot milk. HOLY SHIZZ! What a way to go. A moment of silence please for King Adolf. Nice job assface. Just kidding! I love SWEDEN!

PSSS. I'm like, really good at HTML-ing.

DO THEY NOT LET FAT PEOPLE INTO MISSHAPES? WHERE DO THESE ALIENS COME FROM??

TWINSIES!!

Environmentally Conscience or Plain Lazy?

Some day the world is gonna run out of fresh water. I know that. I know that we can do our part by taking shorter showers and installing low-flo toilets. But for the love of god, can we do away with this "I'm just not gonna flush as often" business? Like, for instance, if you use the bathroom before me at a bar. Uh, gross!

If you want to do the whole pee on top of more pee business in the privacy of your own home, go for it.. but know that no matter how much I love dear Earth, I am flushing that goddamn toilet before I put my naked skin anywhere near it. The idea of my pee mixing with someone elses makes me want to vom. I mean, what it leaps out and onto me? Then I have stranger pee on me and I'm gonna feel weird about it. This is my worst nightmare. I am so fucking serious.

Cleanliness. Eh, whatever.tots.

I just showered yesterday. Why do I have to do it again today? I think it's because I OD'd on tots. I've never done that before. Nothing like a little fried potato and ketchup flying out of your mouth to make you forget you're a human being and need to think about stuff like HYGIENE. It should have the opposite effect no? Apparently not. I slept in my clothes too. I'm turning into my grandma. She would just put a little perfume on instead of shower. My dad doesn't really take that many showers either anymore. I have the same blood type as them. It's inevitable. How did I get from tots to grandma? What's the connection? Oh by the way, shortly after my tots had left the building I ate a falafel sandwich spilling the white sauce on the knees of my jeans. MMMM. what a lady.

PS. Jehovah begins with an "I".

PSS. Rats have sex 22 times a day.

PSSS. Apparently when you have babies and you are out shopping for groceries and hear another baby crying in the aisle over your boobs will start...leaking.

DJ Angry Face

I DJ every (most) Saturday at a night called The Plan. By "DJ" I mean play bands that I really like and hope people will like too. I don't expect people to dance.. I know my idea of "dance music" is different than 90% of the population. I'm not a cool DJ and I know this. Sometimes I'll play Pulp and feel weird about it. Usually I play Supergrass and feel good about it.

Anyway, let's get to my point. Most Plan attendees seem to understand this whole "uncool DJ" thing and while they will occasionally compliment/ask about something I play, they rarely make requests. This works out well for me cause I usually don't have whatever they want to hear. It's my biggest source of shame (but not really) "NO I DON'T HAVE ANY NEW ORDER!!" The problem comes when the 1am drunks come stumblin in looking for a round for last call. And of course, they want to dance. And request. And insult. I'm sure they're not trying to insult. I pray they're not. But all I hear when they talk is "bad DJ.. lame lame lame DJ."

This week a college-age drunk dancing girl told me to play "something good.. something we can dance to." I pointed out that she was dancing, on the stage in fact, to the Junior Boys track I had put on. That didn't seem to compute. She sorta just frowned at me. I sorta had to stop myself from slapping her. Later someone requested Led Zeppelin or Grateful Dead or Red Hot Chili Peppers. Thanks asshole*. How about you sit down and pretend this is the radio and just like whatever I play because I am the DJ and I am playing Dictator. Pretend I am WBCN.

So perhaps I should change my DJ name from DJ Bethany to DJ Not Cool, DJ Disappointment, or DJ No Requests Please. Or maybe people should just like the exact same music I do and build me a giant throne that says "Queen DJ Bethany" and parade me through the streets of Allston while I play some Imperial Teen and throw handfuls of candy to my adoring fans.


*he wasn't really an asshole. He ended up liking the Rapture and wrote down the name so he could download some songs. I still hate that drunk college girl though.

Boston Thwarts Terrorism, Embarasses Me

Last night, while enjoying a leisurely dinner at Tavern on the Square, I got a text from my friend Aaron back home in Washington saying "good work Boston." Yeah yeah yeah. Half of Boston was shut down because of the threat of exploding Adult Swim characters. Blah blah blah. Listen, it's not MY fault that not everyone in this great city is a tuned in to pop culture as the rest of us. What do you expect in a city that shuts its public transportation down at 12:30am, doesn't allow drink specials and takes 357 years to complete a new highway system? Boston is, at its core, is a conservative, old- fashioned city, thinly veiled as forward-thinking, and now everyone knows it. Thank you to the asshole that called 911 about a "suspicious device!" Oh tipster, tell me, do you spend your nights pondering life in a post 9/11 world? Is your garage stock-piled with cans of string beans and distilled water in case Iraq does in fact have weapons of mass destruction? Is "If you see something, say something" tatooed on your forearm? Do you take comfort in the fact that you made the entire city look like a bunch of paranoid wackos?

As my friend Aaron so nicely put it "Well the outdoor ads are in place in ten cities and you guys are the only one to think Meatwad was going to send up a mushroom cloud, so you can't talk shit about anywhere else for a while."

Aghhh. Does this mean I can't make fun of L.A for a few months? Great.

The GIANT Long Island Steamer

I'm sure I'm a bit behind here, but I'd like to take a moment to discuss just how shitty GIANT magazine has gotten. I've been waiting each time, hoping for something better the next time, but no. I just got the new one and was reading it in the can. Man what a disappointing experience (and I'm not talking about BMs here!) I do some of my best reading in there and was highly unentertained. I mean come on people, reader's poll: "which cover did you like better? Diddy or Ciara?" Let's do a feature on Fall Out Boy. I mean, this is some innovative stuff. What happened here? It looked like things started out pretty well...a little nerdy, a little high end, quirky, funny, unusual...then POOF. , "Okay guys, sales ain't great let's try and make some money because there's lots of dough in the urban market. Let's attempt to switch our audience." LAME. Upon further research it appears to have been bought out by RadioOne. You can read all about it here. So what now? Magazine subscriptions are $7.97 for a year. What a deal. I think that money would be better spent on an app at Friday's. Wait I've got another great idea guys. Let's make the logo font more boring, put some bad photos of celebrities on the cover and in the magazine (too much awkward space) and bore our viewers. I AM BORED just talking about it. It's disappointing like the half chicken at Duke's now. Wait I'm still talking about it. And food once again. I'm ordering Chinese.

But again I don't want to be a big ole sourpuss here. New York Magazine I LOVE YOU. You never cease to amaze me. Never leave me. I think I would still get it even if I didn't live in the city anymore. If only just for the nostalgia. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you like a ham sandwich. My hero. Hmmm. Maybe it's because they talk about food all the time...

Hitting up restaurant week with Doug tomorrow! I missed out on the winter one this time around. Can't wait!

Turning 26? You Better Get Married and Have Babies!

Okay I promised myself I wouldn't rant, considering this is the first post here. I'd like to know, however, why I can't be happy for people who tell me they are getting married. Some select few I can, they're making good money, they've 'grown up' essentially, whatever. But let's say for example that someone is going through tough times and all of a sudden they realize how valuable their bf or gf is and how much they LOVE them and want to marry them. Or let's say they get knocked up. All great reasons to get married, right? I just don't get why marriage has to be the next logical step. So people can feel better about themselves? Secure in the fact that their spouse can't just run away? Because that's what you're supposed to do? Because you get a tax break? (hmm maybe). The first wedding I went to a few years ago (not counting when i was a flower girl when I was 5) ended a year later. Sweet. Now that i think about it, the wedding I was at when I was 5 ended up in divorce too. Let me tell you how much that makes me want to get hitched and throw my cares two sheets to the wind. I guess we're all hoping for the relationship in The Notebook.
So please help me someone, why can't I be more positive and happy for these people that have just decided to do the norm because they weren't doing anything better with themselves? I'm sure I'll change my mind one day? I'm going to be 26 soon and am planning to throw myself an "I'm Not Pregnant or Getting Married" Shower. What does that equal, about 26 bottles of Beam and an eight ball?