Things I Hate This Week

1. Standard Poodles: I passed by one of these on the train the other day and I had to stop myself from pulling the emergency brake, ripping open the door with my bloodied fingers and slapping the prancing mammoth-dog in the face. Don't get me wrong. I looove dogs. So much so that it's annoying. When I see a dog, I usually squeal "heeeey puppy" and pray the the cute thing will look at me and wag its tail with joy (this does not apply to Corgies (stumpy short legs) or Greyhounds (they're nearly 2 dimensional.. creeepy.) But why does the giganta-dog get the name STANDARD?? When you think of a poodle, you think of a little shaking thing that fits under your arm and is able to dance on it's hind legs in a tutu. I think the Standard Poodle should be renamed Elephantitas Poodle, or Freak Poodle. Or OMG GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME Poodle. Who likes them? I mean, really.

2. Bruises: Actually, I sorta like bruises, cause they make me look like I've been running around barefoot and climbing trees. They make me look so carefree that I could not possibly give a damn about whether I banged my leg or not. The problem is is that it's February. I wasn't out climbing trees. I wasn't running barefoot or pulling myself back onto a dock after jumping in the lake. No no no, the giant bruises that have taken over my knees are a constant reminder that on Saturday, sometime after my 8,000th whiskey, and somewhere in between Junior Senior and USE, my converse gave out on the Great Scott dance floor and I found myself sprawled on the floor. How did this happen? Not sure! But even if it wasn't like -10 degrees out I'd still have to wear tights cause I look like a battered woman. I look I've spent too much time on my knees. So I look like a beat-up ho. An exceptional Halloween costume, but not so much in real life.

3. Internet sarcasm. Specifically you not getting mine, and me, not getting yours. Terrible terrible thing.

4. NOT HAVING A #4 or a #5!!! AGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHG